A Mother's Love

On Tuesday, May 4th my life changed forever. After a month long battle with a fractured T-12 vertebrae and lots of pain medication I rushed my mom to the emergency room to try and determine why the super strong pain medication she had been prescribed was not giving her comfort. After an exam and some testing we ultimately learned that not only had my mom fractured her T-12 vertebrae but the pain she had begun to experience in her abdomen was the result of a 7 centemeter cancerous tumor growing just below her esophagus. They did a biopsy and follow up testing and 2 weeks later the doctors confirmed the worse case scenario that was playing out right before our eyes. My mom has esophageal cancer that has metastasized to her abdomen, lungs, liver and intestines. There is no treatment because the spread is so massive and she has been given a life expectancy of 6 months. The news is more than devastating. It is catastrophically terrible.

It has been over a week since we found out and my mom is now out of the hospital after spending 18 days there. It has been a mix of emotions through all of this which I am sure is normal. Some days are okay...some days it is too much and you just wonder how you can take another step and go on. The travesty of it all has set in though and aside from being sad and shocked and in disbelief I also feel so much love. I feel love from all of my amazing friends who constantly check in and send cards and e-mails and text messages offering to bring dinner or take me to coffee or go for a walk. I feel love from our family who has rallied together to take care of my mom and my dad in this difficult time. Offering to help at the house in any way possible and sending flowers and cards to put a smile on our faces. Most importantly I feel love for my parents and that has made me realize how truly special a mother's love also is for her child. This whole experience has brought our little family closer than we have ever been before. We are each others crutch and support system. We have some laughs and lots of tears but through it all I find that I leave each visit feeling more love than I walked through the door with that day. And, what I also have discovered is that it makes me love my baby in a whole new way too. There is something about a mother's and daughter's love that is so unique and special that it is like nothing else. And, I feel so incredibly lucky to have a mom who has loved me unconditionally for the past 28years. Do I wish we had another 28 years to spend together?...every moment of every day...but I also know that God has a plan for my mom and she must be needed someplace else for more important things. Probably running the gardening commitee or decorating commitee in heaven. Am I okay with that?...not fully, but I am getting there. I watch the show 19 kids and counting on TLC and yesterday when I was watching the latest episode the wife Michelle said something that struck me. She said that when a family goes through a really tough time they will eventually come out on the other side and what happened to them can either make them bitter or better. So I trust in the Lord and his plan for our family and I know that out of this darkness there will be light and down the road whenever that may be I will be better. I will be a better friend, a better wife, a better mother and a better woman. Until then I will take life day by day and cherish all the time I have with my mom. And I will continue to pray that I can be as amazing of a mom to London as my mom has always been to me.

So with that said and because I know my mom would be really disappointed with me if I did not continue my blog I will resume the weekly/daily posts about baby London and me the mom-to-be. I am doing it for two reasons...first, because I love London and second, because I love my mom.